MOTHER’S DAY, MOVIES, AND MONSTERS

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It happens every year… Mother’s Day! The day all mothers secretly anticipate glorious, wonderful gifts and pampering! It took me about 24 years to realize that dream ain’t ever gonna happen! So, I started planning my own Mother’s Day. (Yes, I know how pathetic that is!) It has solved a lot of problems. The husband always knows what I want. It’s a win-win for him. I’m not disappointed because I get exactly what I want. It’s perfect!  Now I’m not mad at everyone all day, chanting curses upon their ungrateful heads. I like to think I’m doing all of us a favor!

A few years ago, before Mother’s Day, I decided one of the things I really wanted to do was to go see a “chick flick” with my daughter. She was agreeable, so the two of us girls toddled off to the movies, leaving my husband home mowing the “farm.”

I have very specific seating requirements when going to the movies: very top row, right next to the wall. With no chair in front of me I can stretch out my bad knee. It’s perfect. With our tickets bought, we got our popcorn and drinks, and headed into the theater.  It was a popular movie at the time, so the theater was fairly well-packed. However, we were lucky and my “favorite” seat was available. Hooray! I placed my purse down on the floor next to the wall and took my seat. Taryn sat to my left. We were all settled in and ready for the show!

It was a really cute movie, great for a mother daughter date! I was thoroughly enjoying myself, munching on my bucket of popcorn and watching the show. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I saw a movement on the wall. I glanced over, but couldn’t see anything. It was a darker movie scene, and thus it was dark in the theater.  Hmmm… I must have been imagining things.  A few minutes later and again I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. This time it was lighter in the theater. I glanced over at the wall and noticed a small black spot on the draped fabric, right about eye level. I tentatively leaned in a little closer to try to get a better view. I didn’t have my glasses on, so I leaned in even closer. Just as I did so, the “top” of the “black spot” moved toward me and I noticed it had a nose and…. A TAIL!

Now, you need to understand something about me. I’m not a fan of spiders, bugs, or bees. However, I can deal with them. What I CAN’T handle, and what I hate more than anything in the whole entire critter world, is… MICE! Terrifying screams come out of my mouth and I start dancing like a crazy woman on fire if I see a mouse! Also, just so you know, I’m not a small woman! There is nothing small about me. I don’t run!  Running is evil, and you will never convince me otherwise. I have yet to see a happy jogger! They’re never smiling! They look miserable, so if they’re doing it for “fun” they’re doing it wrong! And, should you EVER see me running, you’d better start running too cause whatever I’m running from is BAD! Very, very, bad!!! Leaping? Yeah, I don’t do that either! NO! Too much starts moving if I leap! Nooo, no leaping!

So, there I was, smack dab in the middle of a highly romantic scene up on the big screen, a mouse one inch from my face, and hum, how do I say this…all hell broke loose! To this day I don’t know how I did it! I managed to cover my mouth with one hand, to muffle my screams, while pointing to the wall with my other, at the same time hurling my body out of my seat, leaping over my daughter, who was looking at me like I was possessed, landing into the adjacent seat, all the while never taking my eyes off the mouse! My eyes widened in horror as that mouse fell off the wall and into my PURSE! Doing the crazy woman of fire dance in my seat, I pointed to my purse, hissing through my teeth that there was a mouse on the wall!

Taryn looked at me like I was crazy and whispered “Shhh! I don’t see any mouse, Mom! Knock it off! Stop it! You are making a scene!”

REALLY? Wow! Thanks for all the support honey!  I repeatedly tried to explain that the mouse had fallen into my purse. She assured me it hadn’t and to just calm down, watch the movie, the mouse was long gone! I tried. However, a few minutes later we both heard scratching coming from my purse. I FREAKED! I whisper yelled, “It’s in my purse! It’s in my purse! What are we going to do?!”

Well, my brave daughter realized, at that moment, there actually was a mouse and there was no way she was going to deal with it! The scratching continued, and I was about to go totally and completely NUTS!

I told Taryn, “I’m going to the lobby to get a manager! They are going to have to deal with this and NOW!” I leaped back over Taryn and RAN out of the theater!

I got to the lobby, panting and totally out of breath. I staggered to the nice young man on duty.  He could clearly see I was extremely distressed.

He asked, “Ma’am, can I help you?”

I was bent over, clutching my chest, praying for oxygen, so I could speak. He was becoming increasingly concerned that I was having a heart attack. I raised my hand, shaking it back and forth, in a gesture of reassurance.  I managed to gasp out, “MOUSE!”

He yelled back, “WHAT?”

I gasped, gulped in more air, and tried again, “MOUSE!”  Huff, huff, huff, huff… Air… Air… Please Lord, air!…”FELL”…huff, huff, huff…”PURSE!”

He suddenly stood at attention.

I was still bent over, wishing Channing Tatum would come give me mouth-to-mouth, so I could breathe again! (Hey, if you need air, dream big!) I managed to raise my head, peeked up at him, and squeaked out the breathy words “Mouse… fell into… my purse…off the wall…into my purse. Help!”

His eyes were as big as two saucers!

At that moment I knew, I just knew, that I had managed to stumble upon the only country boy for a hundred miles around who was as scared of mice as I was! GREAT! Just great!

He timidly said “I suppose you’d like me to come get your purse for you and remove the mouse?”

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!!!!  I was finally beginning to breathe again, and I smiled and said, “Yes! That would be wonderful!”

The two of us crept back into the theater. He leaned over and whispered, “Where were you sitting?”

I pointed to the top row and confirmed the location. I then whispered back,” I’ll wait right here while you go run and grab my purse!”

He began breathing hard and fast… like he was about to run a marathon! Sure enough, off he sprinted, up the flight of stairs, like a fox after a rabbit! He grabbed my purse, clutching it with his arms outstretched, away from his body. He sprinted past me and I followed in hot pursuit. He continued running down the hall, and out the back door of the theater, yelling “What do I do? What do I do?”

I screamed back,” THROW IT! THROW IT!”

He frantically looked from the purse to me, back to the purse, back to me. “You want me to throw your purse?”

“YES! THROW MY PURSE but…WAIT! DUMP AT THE SAME TIME!”

He was bewildered…“Ma’am, you want me to dump and throw at the same time?”

“YES!”

The next thing I knew he turned my purse upside down, flinging it way up into the air! We both screamed and jumped back! Suddenly everything was in slow motion, our eyes transfixed on the purse, waiting for the offending vermin to be ejected! Surely at any moment the beast would be exposed for the hideous creature he was! Instead, out flew my lip gloss, wallet, coins, credit cards, tampons…TAMPONS! Oh, for the love of Pete, could this be any worse? My tampax are now laying all over the back parking lot of the theater right there in front of Junior!

The only thing that didn’t come out of my purse was the mouse! Say what? No mouse!!!  He had escaped! That evil monster mouse had crawled out during my heart attack in the lobby, and was back on the run inside the theater!  I thanked the young man as we hurriedly picked up all my belongings and I scurried off back to my movie.

Knowing the mouse was still on the loose, I sat at the chair closest to the exit clutching my handbag. There was no way that mouse was going anywhere near me or my purse again! Every noise and motion had me jumping. I kept thinking I am never going to the movies again! As soon as the movie was over I hurried out and waited in the lobby for Taryn.

She was NOT happy with me for deserting her. In fact, she still holds a bit of resentment to this day regarding the whole matter! In the car on the way home she started laughing and turned to me and said, “Wow, Mom, I had no idea you could move that fast or leap that high!”

I turned, smiled, and said “Neither did I! Pretty impressive, huh?”

I’m thinking maybe I should turn the whole “Mother’s Day” thing back over to the hubs. I know one thing for sure…if anyone ever does want to see me run; they had better have a mouse to chase me!

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